Dr. John Gottman, researcher, author, speaker, has identified what he refers to as “The Four Horsemen” used as a metaphor for certain patterns of behavior, styles of communication and interactions that often, if not corrected, lead to devastating effects for marriage. These four patterns of interactions are, Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.
Criticism - refers to an attack on the core character of your spouse.
Contempt – refers to criticism with the intent to harm or offend the other.
Defensiveness – refers to a pattern of making excuses, shifting the blame, when
criticized or the subject of a complaint.
Stonewalling - occurs when the listener withdraws from the situation, shuts down, and
stops communicating.
Dr. Gottman also points out “All relationships, even the most successful ones, have conflict. It is unavoidable. Fortunately, our research shows that it’s not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship.” Dr. Gottman has also identified antidotes, techniques, for these patterns.
Matthew 15:18 says that the things that come out of our mouths, come from our hearts. If you recognize these patterns in your behavior, take some time to examine your heart. Continuing the use of metaphors, Jesus in talking with the Pharisees about their own behaviors told them that they attended to cleaning the outside of the cup and dish while leaving the inside full of greed and wickedness. Outside the cup and dish are our behaviors, take some time to examine your heart, the inside of the cup and dish.
If you are interested in learning more about your patterns of behavior or issues of your heart, you may want to consider signing up for the Gottman Relationship Checkup.
Psalm 139:23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
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